Moments of Revelation

[Damien Coleman]

== For Calleja ==

[Mara Calleja]

== Dakhur Hills, Bajor. Set following the USS Brittany mission. ==

When news broke on board Artemis that shore leave was to be taken on Deep Space 9, most had been happy to hear it. They could explore the famous station and experience it for themselves.

There were a few who had not been so impressed, and Mara Calleja was definitely in that latter camp. She had had her fill of all things Cardassian on board the Galor class that the Artemis had encountered. The venom that the Obsidian Order interrogator had dosed her with had left her in Sickbay for nearly a week. And the hole that he had blasted through her right hand was still not entirely healed - she had a black fingerless glove wrapped around it to protect the new tissue as it bedded in, and strict instructions from the medical staff to avoid straining it after the reconstruction surgery. So to be told that she would have to take her R&R aboard a station constructed by Cardassians, and full of reminders of them, had not gone over well.

Faced with the choice of DS9 or staying on Artemis, Mara had chosen a 3rd option. She’d loaded up a backpack and gone to Bajor.

A search of the computer’s records had given her some places to visit and sights to see. Calleja’s impromptu tour of the planet had so far taken in the capital, the Fire Falls of Ushara, Jalanda City, and the ruins of B’hala. As quickly as it emptied of rations and hydration packs, her backpack had swollen with a few souvenirs and some of the local delicacies along the way.

Her latest stop had been Dakhur City, and after a wander around she had found herself looking up at the Dakhur Hills and Mount Kola. The Parek Tonn fortress was on the list of places she wanted to see so she had decided to climb the mountain and take a look. Although the Bandaran was very much an urban creature normally, she had enough common sense and survival instincts to do just fine out in the wilderness. There was plenty of food and water in her pack, her combat boots were just as good for hiking as they were for prolonged away missions, and with her leather jacket tied up in the pack straps she was comfortable in a burnt yellow tank top and black cargo trousers.

The hike had taken Mara the better part of the day and given her a first-hand demonstration of the reasons why the Bajoran Resistance had used the fort as a base. It was a long way and the rocky terrain was hard going even in the Bajoran summer. Getting up in the winter, or with patrols and ambush parties lurking, would have been next level difficult. Still, the views were spectacular, and the isolation gave her plenty of time to think, which was the real reason she’d chosen such an out of the way place to spend a couple of days.

When Calleja reached Parek Tonn, she didn’t realise it at first. The fort had been carved out of the mountain itself with only a tiny part above the surface. That took the form of a part of the rock face that slid open into a small antechamber and a ladder down, and she might not have even seen the hidden door if it wasn’t for the discrete tourist sign that said it was there.

The place was deserted, and going on the dust it hadn’t been visited for some considerable time. That was perfect for the Bandaran, who wanted some solitude for a while. She had a wander round, taking in the few signs pinned to various places of historical significance, but it wasn’t a long tour. Once she was happy she’d seen what there was to see she left, and then climbed up onto the very tip of the peak.

If anything, the views were even more spectacular from her high vantage point as she sat herself down, her back against the mountain and long legs stretched out in front of her as the sun started to set. Calleja stared out into the hills for a while before she reached into her pack and produced a small and battered metal box. Inside was an ancient-looking vape with a couple of cartridges that she loaded carefully. The contents were a potent mix from her homeworld of dubious legality with the street name ‘ocean’. It wasn’t technically illegal to own or use in the Federation but with several ingredients flagged up as recreational drugs, if she was unlucky with the timing of a physical or blood test, she could at the very least expect to have to explain their presence in her system.

Leaning back again, Mara put the vape to her lips and took a deep puff, exhaling a cloud of blue vapour as the tiny machine gurgled away to itself. She wasn’t a habitual user of anything stronger than caffeine. Her role as a Security officer saw to that. But every now and then, when she found herself needing to make some tough decisions, she hadn’t yet found anything that helped her clear her mind and think better than ‘swimming the ocean’ as they used to call it back in Bandar City.

Calleja took another lungful and tilted her head back. For a few minutes she was just enjoying the view, the ocean adding some extra swirls of colour in the sky and putting patterns in the clouds.

After a while, she heard someone clear their throat next to her.

”Hey sis.” When Mara turned, she saw her sister sat next to her. Vik Calleja had been the older one, but she never made it to 18 before the constant violence of Bandar City claimed her life. The family resemblance was plain as day, even in the teenage Vik that was sat sprawled out on the rocky cliff.

“Hey you,” Mara replied. “How have you been?”

“Dead. You?” Vik smiled a flinty smile as she looked at her sister. She was clad in a ripped up leather jacket covered in studs over a dark blue vest and jeans, the colours of the gang she’d run with until her death. “I swear you’re getting taller.”

“Yeah, well. I got past 6 foot and stopped counting.” Mara grinned.

The vape’s loud hiss as she took another puff was the only sound in the air.

”You’re a full-grown monster now,” Vik teased. “Even if I’d finished growing I don’t think I’d have got near your size.”

“That’s all your own fault,” Mara threw back. “I don’t know how many times I told you not to fuck around with gangs. But you still went and did it anyway.” She looked at the vape in her hand. ”What happened to our voices? Man, I don’t sound like this.”

“It’s your hallucination,” Vik replied coolly. “I’m just a figment of your hyperactive imagination come to talk some sense into you. Maybe you decided that you didn’t want to deal with your own accent.”

Mara laughed at that.

“I guess,” she said. There were a few moments of quiet before she spoke again. “So. We should probably talk about why I’m up a mountain in the middle of literal nowhere, making damn sure I fail my next drugs test.”

“I thought I’d give you a few minutes to get there,” Vik deadpanned.

“Still the smartarse.” Mara grinned.

“One of us has to be the brains of the outfit,” Vik teased.

The vape hissed and gurgled again as Calleja took a deep draw.

”So I’m torn,” Mara said. “I’m getting so sick of the jibes about my accent. But I don’t feel like I can just drop it completely.”

“Why not?” Vik’s reply was instant. “If it’s getting in the way, bin it off.”

“Because it’s not that simple,” Mara replied. “It’s who I am, and where I’ve come from.”

“So?” Vik shrugged. “Mara, you’ve not been back to Bandar in over 3 years. You’ve not even tried to go back. And last time you actually did make it back, you spent the whole time wanting to leave. Why are you letting it rule over you like this?”

“It made me.” Mara shrugged.

“Damn near ruined you, you mean,” Vik replied. “Bandar is a sh*thole. Granted, less of a sh*thole now that the Federation arrived and started to fix it up, but still a sh*thole. You got out but you’re still carrying it with you. Why?”

Mara sighed.

“I know,” she said. “I just feel like… I’m not like the others in so many ways. I just want it to be obvious why, y’know?”

“You do know literally none of your shipmates had even heard of Bandar IV before you showed up?” Vik answered. “You remember that doctor who listed you as Bandaran and thought it was a different species?”

Mara’s harsh, barking laugh greeted that memory.

“Yeah, I remember,” she said.

“It just goes to show,” Vik continued. “Being Bandaran and holding that out there, it’s not explaining anything to anyone. They don’t know what you’re talking about. And they all have their own malfunctions, their own backstory. Mayfair is an Augment. Sydesh was a scav on a cargo ship. Elias was a hooch-brewing wreck. That whole Crawford family tree is a mess. Coleman burned a lot of bridges to get where he is. You really need me to go on?”

“No. I get it.” Mara rubbed the back of her neck anxiously.

“So you don’t need to explain anything to anyone,” Vik said. “Well. You wouldn’t anyway, you’re so closed off.”

“Were you always this much of a pain in my arse, or is my head just really fucking with me today?” Mara replied, turning to look at her sister. “I’m trying. A couple of weeks ago I wore an actual dress,” she said with a faint smile.

“Yeah. In your boss’s room where literally no-one else could see you,” Vik said, and laughed. “Doesn’t count.”

“Yeah it does,” came the instant reply. “That session is why I’m sat here now. Without it I wouldn’t have questioned my own identity to the extent of needing a smoke to figure it all out.”

Mara let her head rest against the rock. She drew in a deep breath from the vape, and exhaled a blue cloud that hung in the twilight air.

”You’re right. I am closed off,” she said calmly. “I’ll chat sh*t with anyone. Music. Drills. The food. The latest genius ideas being forced on us from above. Where we’re going next. But the actual substance of who I am? Nah. That’s only ever been my business. But…”

She fell silent as she tried to think of the words she wanted to say.

“Maybe it shouldn’t be,” she admitted eventually. “It’s not helping me. I’m so tired of having to deal with everything by myself. And it doesn’t have to be like that. I know it doesn’t. People are trying to help me. Robin and Aeryn for a start. Maybe there are others out there. I’ll never know as long as I keep myself locked away.”

Dark eyes looked over at her sister.

“Does it count now?” Mara asked with a wry smile. “It wasn’t just a dress. It was that realisation. That first step.”

“Yeah. It counts now,” Vik replied with a grin of her own. “If you’re not careful, this is all going to count as personal growth.”

“I’ll take that chance,” Mara joked.

“Ocean. Better than therapy.” Vik nudged Mara in the ribs. “You’re still so tightly wound sometimes. Never mind therapy, you need a proper f*ck.”

Broad shoulders rose and fell as Mara shrugged.

“I’m just not interested,” she said. “I don’t find anyone sexually attractive. The act… It’s a few minutes of thrusting and then everything gets so complicated after.”

“How would you know?” Vik shot back. When Mara ignored her she carried on. “I know you’re curious. What is that messy weird thing with all the thrusting that they all go so hard for? You’ve kept everyone at arm’s length for so long that curiosity is all it is, and if you’re not careful that’s all it’ll ever be.”

Mara took a puff from the vape, a frown on her face as she blew out smoke.

“What did I literally just say?” she replied.

“The wrong thing.” Vik sighed. “Come on Mara. Yeah, I know you’re asexual. Being a bit curious doesn’t change that. But you’re not aromantic. There’s a part of you in there that would love to get close to someone one day.”

“Yeah. And that part of me also knows it’s not going to be any time soon,” Mara answered with a deep sigh of her own. “I know I intimidate people. I’m too tall and too hench, and now I’m too scary because everyone knows I ripped through a load of Cardassians and a load of grunts on that station. I see the looks I get. Nobody looks at me and goes, y’know what, I bet she’d be cool to hang out with. They go, f*ck she’s scary, let’s go find someone less worrying.”

The bigger Calleja sighed again.

“The weird part is, I don’t want someone all big and strong to make me feel safe,” she admitted. “It’s what I’m good at. I don’t need any help. I don’t want some giant f*cking Adonis who thinks he’s going to rail me senseless. Because he won’t get the chance. I want someone I can talk to. Someone who can make me laugh. Someone I can load up that phaser and go to work to protect.”

“Someone who doesn’t scare easy,” Vik teased. “They start digging too deep into your record, they better be ready for what they find. How many have you killed now?”

“92.” The answer was instant. “Not counting the ones like I gave the order and someone else shot them or blew the ship up, because then that’s a hell of a lot more. But up close and personal, me with a knife or a gun or bare handed, it’s 92.”

Vik let out a low whistle.

“Yeah, if someone asks for your body count, they want to know how many sexual partners you’ve had. And that number’s 92 less,” she said waspishly.

“You ever going to stop riding me for that?”

“Nobody gets a ride with you. Remember?”

Vik laughed as Mara shook her head.

“Get help, Vik,” she said with a wry smile.

There was a hiss from the vape as Mara took a long drag.

”So do you reckon you’ve gotten used to the whole obeying orders thing yet?” Vik asked.

“I got over the whole hatred of authority thing if that’s what you’re asking,” Mara replied. I wouldn’t last long in Star Fleet if I hadn’t.”

“Close. That was almost the right question.” Vik grinned. “But it does lead onto, why are you spending so much time cosying up with the junior staff instead of hanging out with the other senior officers?”

“I’m not a senior officer. And I just… I still have that hang-up from the old days on Bandar. The nobles lording it over us and treating us like scum,” Mara said. “Like they were better than us just because they were born in a better place. It still sticks in my throat and I can’t see past it. I don’t want to be held above others because I got the break and went through the Academy. I just want to be one of the crew.”

“That’s utter bullsh*t.” Vik was straight on the attack. “You know what you are on Artemis? You’re the second most senior Security officer on that ship. Outside of away teams and special instructions, there are 3 people on that crew who can give you a direct order. Crawford, Coleman, Miller, end list. You’re not just ‘one of the crew’. Not any more. You’re in pretty f*cking rarified company and it’s definitely time you started acting like it.”

Mara’s brow furrowed.

“I know you don’t like that,” Vik continued. “But you’re not going to suddenly turn into everything you hated overnight. It’s possible to be senior and still keep that connection to your crew. You want an example? You work for her. You went headlong into a Cardassian ship and took all those hits for Crawford. You did that because you identify with her. She’s one of the most decorated COs in the fleet but she doesn’t hold herself up as better than everyone else.”

“I can’t compare myself with Tyra f*cking Crawford,” Mara replied, shaking her head.

“Not yet you can’t,” Vik said pointedly. “But I know you think that one day you could get to where she is, even if you won’t admit it even to yourself. You have to hallucinate me to do it for you. But if you want to get there you have to stop with this inferiority complex and f*cking be who you are. No, you don’t have any big fancy titles yet. But you’re a full Lieutenant who has earned those pips the hard way, and managed to find a spot on the Artemis of all ships. Take the next steps. They’re right there.”

The vape gurgled as Mara lifted it to her lips one last time and blew out blue smoke.

“Good talk,” she said, nodding. “I needed that. Helped me get a few things straight.”

“I’m here whenever.” Vik chuckled dryly. “Not like I got anywhere else to be. Although I have to see how you’re planning to get down off the mountain while you’re tripping balls.”

“I’m not,” Mara replied. “I’m gonna sleep it off up here and wander back down in the morning, beam back to Artemis. Start with those steps.”

“Good plan.” Vik leant her head against Mara’s shoulder.

For a moment, Mara would have sworn to anyone who’d listen that she could feel the warmth of her sister’s body next to hers as she power the vape off and tossed it at the metal box she’d carried it in. It pinged off the rim, her aim ruined by the ocean she’d smoked, as she shuffled herself down and wedged her jacket under her head.

Dark eyes looked up at the stars. She found herself wondering which one she’d end up at next, and where her future lay. Those thoughts echoed through her head as the ocean wore off, and before long she'd drifted off to the most peaceful sleep she'd had in a very long time.

== ETL ==